Photo: Courtesy of Summer Innanen.
There is no inherently right way to eat. Some people feel their best eating vegan, some naturally incline toward a Mediterranean diet, and others literally hate all fruit.
We're all different. And just as all eating styles are valid, they are
all equally susceptible to becoming the object of disordered behavior.
Summer Innanen's story is a powerful example of how that can happen (and
how to recognize when it does). — KM
I
was 32 years old and in what seemed to be the best shape of my life.
Except: I hadn't had my period in two years, my weight kept creeping up,
I was exhausted all the time, and my sexual appetite was nonexistent. I
was baffled. As a holistic nutritionist, I knew my diet and fitness
were perfect. After all, I had "gone Paleo" four years prior.
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I was first introduced to Paleo by a trainer when I was trying to lose weight for my wedding. He said to eat meat, veggies, nuts, seeds and a little fruit. Given my impending nuptials, I decided to give it a go.
I'd been trying to lose weight since I was a little girl. I thought if I achieved that, I could finally shut off that nasty mean girl in my head and live happily ever after. Paleo seemed like the answer to my prayers.
I was instantly seduced by the promises of "looking better naked" and superhuman health — promises amplified by both scientific claims and glossy gurus. After a few weeks, I felt great! I had more energy, my digestion and mood had improved, and the cherry on top was the fact that I'd lost some weight. Finally, I had found the solution to my lifelong struggle with body hate.
The more perfectly I adhered to the Paleo diet, the better I felt. This control gave me a sense of pride and achievement, like nothing I had ever experienced. I became totally absorbed in Paleo culture: I read every book, attended every lecture, listened to every podcast, and I started a blog and a pro-Paleo nutrition coaching business. My life and career revolved around this food movement and I preached their message of perfect physical health as the ultimate virtuous goal.
*********
But inevitably, that high from my newfound control, weight loss, and validation wore off. That's when the old, hateful voice in my head returned with a vengeance. I remember the day I saw a photo of myself and noticed that, for the first time in my life, I could see a hint of muscle definition. Yet, I still felt empty. It was never enough.
****
The only solution, it seemed, was to dive further down the Paleo rabbit hole. I cut out all fruit and avoided foods like squash because of their carb content. I experimented with intermittent fasting (which, in hindsight, was a way for me to justify starvation). I would only last a few days on these strict regimes, breaking them with a major binge on Paleo baked goods. Spiraling into self-loathing, I'd try to talk myself out of it, thinking: At least the cookies were Paleo.
I grew more and more angry and frustrated at my body, because I thought I was doing everything right, and yet it would not obey. I binge-listened to Paleo podcasts, desperate to find the one missing nutrient or supplement that would help me get my body under control.
I was in my second year of professional nutrition training when I stopped getting my period. I saw several doctors, but their only solution was for me to go back on the birth control pill, which I refused to do for fear of weight gain.
Another two years passed, and suddenly my weight began to creep back up. Still, I was committed to the diet and obsessed with finding the nutrient that would help me "get lean" like all the other Paleo people out there. I desperately searched Paleo forums and blogs, which
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
I was first introduced to Paleo by a trainer when I was trying to lose weight for my wedding. He said to eat meat, veggies, nuts, seeds and a little fruit. Given my impending nuptials, I decided to give it a go.
I'd been trying to lose weight since I was a little girl. I thought if I achieved that, I could finally shut off that nasty mean girl in my head and live happily ever after. Paleo seemed like the answer to my prayers.
I was instantly seduced by the promises of "looking better naked" and superhuman health — promises amplified by both scientific claims and glossy gurus. After a few weeks, I felt great! I had more energy, my digestion and mood had improved, and the cherry on top was the fact that I'd lost some weight. Finally, I had found the solution to my lifelong struggle with body hate.
The more perfectly I adhered to the Paleo diet, the better I felt. This control gave me a sense of pride and achievement, like nothing I had ever experienced. I became totally absorbed in Paleo culture: I read every book, attended every lecture, listened to every podcast, and I started a blog and a pro-Paleo nutrition coaching business. My life and career revolved around this food movement and I preached their message of perfect physical health as the ultimate virtuous goal.
*********
But inevitably, that high from my newfound control, weight loss, and validation wore off. That's when the old, hateful voice in my head returned with a vengeance. I remember the day I saw a photo of myself and noticed that, for the first time in my life, I could see a hint of muscle definition. Yet, I still felt empty. It was never enough.
****
The only solution, it seemed, was to dive further down the Paleo rabbit hole. I cut out all fruit and avoided foods like squash because of their carb content. I experimented with intermittent fasting (which, in hindsight, was a way for me to justify starvation). I would only last a few days on these strict regimes, breaking them with a major binge on Paleo baked goods. Spiraling into self-loathing, I'd try to talk myself out of it, thinking: At least the cookies were Paleo.
I grew more and more angry and frustrated at my body, because I thought I was doing everything right, and yet it would not obey. I binge-listened to Paleo podcasts, desperate to find the one missing nutrient or supplement that would help me get my body under control.
I was in my second year of professional nutrition training when I stopped getting my period. I saw several doctors, but their only solution was for me to go back on the birth control pill, which I refused to do for fear of weight gain.
Another two years passed, and suddenly my weight began to creep back up. Still, I was committed to the diet and obsessed with finding the nutrient that would help me "get lean" like all the other Paleo people out there. I desperately searched Paleo forums and blogs, which
were abundant with
so-called "experts" telling you ways to "tweak" your food to lose
weight.
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